


Snow

by Owl_In_Firtree



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Grieve, Sadness, but a bit of happiness inbetween
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-09
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 18:40:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1176526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Owl_In_Firtree/pseuds/Owl_In_Firtree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Thorin died before Bilbo had the chance to make up with him and now the hobbit is offered the chance to spend one single day with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snow

**Author's Note:**

> Please excuse any mistakes; English is not my mother tongue.
> 
> Comments are welcome!

The snow outside was falling silently. It was falling and falling for hours. The whole landscape was covered with a thick white blanket, drowning every sound. It was an unusually harsh winter for the Shire. Not everyone seemed to mind, though. In the distance Bilbo could see hobbit children racing down the hills with their sleds and some were skating on the little pond in the town center. It was strange to see them scream in joy but not to hear a sound. Yet not everyone was fond of the snow. According to his grumpy face, the old Hamfast down the street seemed to share Bilbo’s opinion on the winter as he removed the snow from the path leading to his front door, but Bilbo knew that this was just his very own typical expression.

He was sitting in his study and staring into his garden. Musing. Dreaming. Internally crying because he couldn’t shed a single tear anymore. Just like every day. Right in front of his window stood his old favorite tree. It had a huge trunk and in summer it looked very green and beautiful and the birds preferred to build their nests there. Now Bilbo couldn’t help thinking that this tree and his heart had the same problem: both were frozen.

 

A few weeks had passed since his return to the Shire. Since his life was shattered and he found his heart turned to ice. He only did what was right but yet it turned out to be so wrong. Part of his current situation was his own fault. He almost got killed by one of his dearest companions. And only hours later the same companion died. And left Bilbo alone. They parted in nothing but hate and agony. And never had the chance to make up. And now everything was lost.

 

A knock on the front door interrupted his dark thoughts. Bilbo stood up groaning and felt like an old man. He did not want to see anyone but opened the door nevertheless.

Outside stood an old woman. She had many different old books and jewelry and trinkets with her that looked like having thrice her age. So she was selling antiques. Merchants selling things on people’s doors came to you at least once a week in the Shire. It was quite common. Bilbo usually sent them away immediately.

But this old lady looked very frozen. Her face was all red and rough from the wind and her hands, already turned blue, were shaking. Bilbo felt pity with her and asked her in to make her a cup of tea.

She was sitting at his kitchen table and smiled thankfully.

“Thank you”, she said, “that was what I needed. Now I have something special to offer to you.”

“Thanks, but I have no need for antiques at the moment”, Bilbo said, friendly as he hoped. “My house is full of stuff to the ceiling already”. He looked around the room that indeed was full of all kinds of useful and not so useful things.

The woman in front of him laughed hoarsely. “Oh, I’m talking about a different offer here, Master Baggins.”

Bilbo raised his eyebrows. “Indeed?”

“Oh yes. I’m talking about the yearning deep in your heart here that you would not share with anyone though.”

Bilbo eyed her like an owl. “What do you know about it, then?”

He thought that this was ridiculous and wondered what that woman was aiming at.

She laughed again. “Oh, a lot. I know how cold your heart feels and which incident is responsible for that. I know that you are imprisoned in your mind because you never had the chance to say sorry let alone goodbye. I know that you lost everything you believed in in the Battle of Five Armies. I know who you desperately miss. I can see into your heart. I see your soul in your eyes. I know how you long to make up with Thorin Oakenshield.”

Bilbo nearly dropped his cup at her words. And almost choked so that he could only cough: “How?”

“Because I’m in the position to know it”, the old woman simply said.

For some reason there was something about her that made Bilbo know her words were true. And that she could be trusted. There was suddenly no doubt anymore. Now Bilbo could only puzzle who this woman really was. Definitely no simple old lady. This was going to be interesting.

“You talked about an offer”, he remembered and held his breath, not allowing his thoughts to wander in one direction or the other.

“Yes. I could help you with exactly that. A chance for you. Only now and only this one time will it be offered. You want to see Thorin again? You could. You think you know what “dead” means, but that is not the real meaning. They are all still there. They live and yet they don’t. But it is possible to take them out of that state, even if it’s not the same. One day. You could have one day to see Thorin Oakenshield again and to speak with him. In the world of the living. That is my offer to you.”

She absentmindedly fingered the faded plant on the window sill as she spoke. For one reason or another, it turned all green and lush under her hands again. Bilbo could only stare. “You should care better for your plants, you know”, she criticized.

“What?” Bilbo could finally exclaim.

“Oh come on, it is not too hard to water it a bit every day, is it?” the lady said sternly.

Bilbo shook his head like a wet dog. “No, I…I meant…what you said before…about…” He trailed off.

Suddenly he had her full attention, looking very earnest and somehow solemn.

“A chance, Bilbo Baggins. One day. You would have one single day to see him again. We would send him back to this world, but when the day is over he will have to return. But that should be enough time to discuss everything. And more.”

Bilbo felt like dreaming or worse being tricked somehow and still deep in his mind he knew again, that everything she said was true.

“How?” he could only ask. Then something occurred to him. “And who is “we”?”

“Because I’m in the position to arrange it”, she answered, ignoring his second question.

Suddenly Bilbo thought she was surrounded by pure light and he was hearing the far away sound of light singing and wind in the trees. But for sure that was his imagination.

Despite, a single name formed in his mind and he didn’t know if it came on its own or if it was her fault.

“Yavanna?” Bilbo asked incredulously and felt somehow stupid at the same time. For sure this could not be.

But the old lady only smiled mysteriously and said nothing. For a moment Bilbo thought he could see her eternal beauty and youth behind that smile. Now it was clear who was “we”.

“What do you say?” The essential question.

Bilbo stared at her. Right now thoughts were overcoming him like a flood wave. YES! one part of him wanted to cry out. This was exactly what he was longing for all the time, wasn’t it? But then countless doubts came to his mind. He remembered the rage Thorin could hardly oppress when he condemned Bilbo for his actions. He remembered the hate he saw burning in his eyes. That he could almost physically feel it. At this moment Thorin had truly hated Bilbo. And he remembered the last few weeks. How he slowly came to terms with what had happened. How he somehow managed to move on and leave at least the worst behind him. One single day. And then everything would be broken again and all the grieve, the sorrow and desperation would come to him again. Maybe this one day would destroy more than it could rebuild.

Bilbo sighed heavily. “Can I think about it?” he asked quietly.

Yavanna looked at him as if she knew every of his thoughts. “Of course”, she said softly, “but not for too long. I will come again tomorrow in the evening and then you have to make your decision.” She stood up and gathered her things. Now Bilbo could wonder why a Valier would choose such a disguise.

Already standing in the door, she turned around. “It might help you to sleep over it one night.” Then she was gone.

Later at night Bilbo remembered her words as he lay in bed very awake and far away from sleeping. Finally sleep overcame him in the early hours of the morning.

 

As promised, she was there again the next evening. She said nothing and waited for Bilbo to start this conversation. He opened it with a question.

“Why?” The word fell heavily in the silence.

She looked at him with a challenge in her eyes. “Why not?”

Bilbo snorted at that. After all he was a bit suspicious because he could not imagine why the Valar would give such a great gift to him.

Yavanna examined him for a while. Then she said: “You know, we care for the people in Arda. We watch everything you do. And we watched your fight against the evil with great worry. You contributed to defeat it, Bilbo. And sometimes things just don’t happen as they should.”

“What do you want in return?” Bilbo asked slightly confused, still not accepting this so easily. He could only think of it as a trade for some reason.

Now Yavanna looked a bit upset for the first time. “Oh come on, we’re not like the farmers on the market, bargaining for the best price. We don’t want anything in return. We would do this for you.”

Bilbo just nodded. He knew his answer. He searched the whole night and didn’t find it, but it was there in the morning all at once when he awoke and he knew it would be the right thing to do. If he lived this one day he would nearly drown in grieve again afterwards but somewhere in time he would find peace. If he didn’t he would never.

So he simply said: “I accept.”

Yavanna smiled brightly as if she had hoped for this answer. “Then we are in business. I have a feeling that you’ll be not the only one who is glad about that.”

She stood up to leave but then turned around.

“You will not know the day when he will come to you, though”, she added.

Bilbo’s face fell. “So it could just be anytime? Even…in months? Or in years?”

The old lady softly smiled. “Don’t worry, it will be soon enough.” Then she was gone. Like the breath of the wind, like she had never been there.

 

Two weeks went by and nothing happened. Bilbo was already sure that he had just dreamed this conversation and will just keep on withering away.

One morning he woke up very early and couldn’t sleep anymore. After turning over and over for a while he got up and made himself a big cup of tea and a nice breakfast.

The sun slowly rose and it turned out to be a beautiful day. Bilbo didn’t really know what do to though. He half-heartily cleaned the mantelshelf and then settled in his favorite armchair to read a book. He had just made it through two pages when he heard a loud crash outside. Only seconds later someone knocked hesitantly at his door.

“Now what did that mean?” muttered the hobbit that nearly got a heart-attack at the noise. Opening the door, he looked in the sheepish faces of three hobbit children.

“Good morning, Mister Baggins”, one of them said shyly. Bilbo had seen these children before but couldn’t remember their names.

“We…um…were just sledding down the street when we slipped on some ice block and…ahem…crashed into your mailbox”, the child continued and looked at Bilbo from under his lashes as if he was expecting to be beaten.

Bilbo immediately turned to the mailbox next to his garden gate and sighed. The metal had a big dent.

“We are really sorry”, the children exclaimed unison.

Bilbo was somehow not in the mood to shout at them. “Don’t worry about that, I can fix it”, he just said. They looked quite relieved.

When Bilbo tried to concentrate on his book again, he found he just couldn’t and thought that a second breakfast would do it as well. Just when he was doing the dishes someone knocked at his door again. Bilbo cheered up a bit because he remembered that his nephew Frodo had said he might visit him today.

But standing outside was not his nephew. It was a business-minded looking merchant who shoved his buttons and hats almost in Bilbo’s face only nanoseconds after he had opened the door.

“Good morning Sir”, he smiled assiduously, “maybe today is the day for you to buy a new hat. Or have you lost all the buttons on your jacket? I have some new and shining ones for you.”

Bilbo tiredly rubbed his eyes. “Oh, no thank you. I don’t need anything.” He already began to close the door.

But the merchant didn’t have any intention to give up so fast. He didn’t stop grinning. “But maybe this is something for you”, he drew a chic jacket out of a bag full of textiles, “special price today, only for you. And if you feel like bargaining…who knows…” he winked conspiratorially.

Bilbo internally moaned. How to get rid of that bloke? It took him another fifteen minutes to do so and after it, his nerves were absolutely wracked.

A pot of tea and a chocolate cake had to soothe them even if he didn’t feel hungry in the least. This day had begun bad and only got worse.

Speaking of getting worse…half an hour later there was another knock at his front door. Bilbo weighed his chances if someone he wanted to see was standing outside, decided to be optimistic for once and regretted it halfway to his hall as he heard the lovely shrill voice of Lobelia Sackville-Baggins complaining why it took him so long to get to the door. Bilbo quickly threw himself into a wardrobe to hide there in case this horrible woman should peer in through the windows and pretended not to be at home. Ranting and raving she left. Bilbo stayed where he was just to be sure and rested his head against the wood, closing his eyes. Life was not very nice to him momentarily.

He considered just going back to bed and forgetting about this day (it was 10.30am!) but then moved to his study. Instead of tending to his depressions there he looked a bit at the maps hanging on his walls and inspected the treasure he was gifted by the dwarves. Still somehow depressing. The daydreams came nevertheless.

And guess what happened then? Right. There was a knock at his door. Just once, but quite firm. Bilbo threw his hands towards the sky. Couldn’t one be left in peace just for once? No, obviously not. Since this day wouldn’t get better and he didn’t know what to do anyway, he could as well open the door. And did that with a big sigh.

 

And flinched. A tall stranger with broad shoulders was standing on his door step. Bilbo couldn’t see his face because he was wearing a black cloak with a hood that was pulled deep into his face. Bilbo couldn’t see any part of him at all. He hid even his hands. Bilbo’s heart beat faster. This stranger didn’t seem to belong to the Shire in any ways. In fact, he looked quite dangerous. No respectable hobbit would want to have anything to do with such a creature. Bilbo gave in to his first instinct to just quickly close the door. A big hand pushed it open again though and a deep voice rumbled: “Is this how to greet a friend, Master Baggins?”

The stranger took off his hood and Bilbo suddenly looked into the steely blue eyes of Thorin Oakenshield. He gasped and staggered a few steps back, nearly falling over his own feet. Thorin quickly grabbed the front of his shirt and prevented him from falling. Bilbo’s heart was hammering so loud he was sure Thorin could hear it. Slowly he regained his control.

“Don’t you want to ask me in?” Thorin asked.

“You are already standing in my hall”, Bilbo pointed out.

Thorin laughed lowly. “True. Will you ask me into your living room, then?”

Bilbo stared and opened and closed his mouth but no sound came out.

Thorin raised his eyebrows. “I thought you were informed that I would visit you?”

He waited for Bilbo to get what he had just said. It took a while to settle in Bilbo’s mind and in the meantime they just stared deeply into each other’s eyes. Then the hobbit suddenly realized that this was no dream, straightened his shoulders and stammered: “Yeah, yeah, I guess we can’t talk standing in the hallway.” He staggered like a marionette leading the way.

 

In the living room he offered Thorin a seat and kept himself busy with making tea to hide his inner turmoil. He was absolutely unsure what to say or do, but very conscious of Thorin’s eyes on his back all the time. At least he had not exactly tried to kill Bilbo yet and that was certainly a good sign, wasn’t it?

With shaking hands Bilbo placed two cups of tea on the table. Somehow he was too nervous to seat himself, so he just stood where he was and started talking some rubbish, much to his own embarrassment.

“Bilbo”, Thorin interrupted him, “there’s no need to behave so awkward.” And then he stood up and pulled Bilbo into a tight embrace.

When they finally parted, the hobbit blurted out: “So does that mean you have forgiven me?”

Thorin, who was slightly amused about Bilbo’s behavior before, now looked quite agonized.

“There was nothing to forgive, not for me. I have to ask you to forgive me.”

Bilbo thought he didn’t listen correctly and raised his eyebrows in confusion. He was absolutely sure that Thorin was furious with him. In fact he had feared this meeting as much as he had hoped for it.

The dwarf continued: “You only tried to help and I treated you with nothing but cruelty. But when I realized it was too late. I regretted so much what I had said to you – I still do – and then I didn’t have the chance see you one last time, to tell you how sorry I am.

It was a torture to die like that, with the knowledge of what I had done to us.”

Bilbo spontaneously slung his arms around Thorin once more, trying to tell him that everything was forgiven without words. Thorin seemed to understand and hugged back. They stood like that for a while.

Bilbo remembered Yavanna’s words: “I have a feeling that you’ll be not the only one who is glad about that.” Now he knew why he wasn’t really frightened when he faced Thorin. His inner self trusted Yavanna. And know he had the proof that she was right.

Now he could settle down calmly across from Thorin who hesitantly smiled at him.

“I missed you, you know”, Bilbo said wistfully.

 

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, enjoying the relief their reunion has brought. Bilbo wonders for which of them it was the greater gift the Valar gave.

“Well…what now?” he asked then, a little baffled.

“You could show me around the Shire”, Thorin suggested. He already grabbed his fur-lined cloak. Hurriedly Bilbo gathered his own but dressed in two more woolen pullovers before, a fleece vest and a cardigan and then wrapped two knitted scarves around his neck, much to Thorin’s amusement.

“What? It’s cold outside!” Bilbo protested.

 

Bilbo couldn’t help but feeling somehow special and high-spirited, walking down the street with Thorin, all majestic and intimidating. His neighbors shoveling snow looked stunned and gaped with open mouths. Bilbo noticed that Thorin seemed to have fun throwing arrogant looks at them. None of them dared to say a word.

Even in winter, the Shire was very beautiful. There was always some kind of peace lying everywhere. The chimneys were puffing smoke and every now and then you could see the fire flickering in a house. The inhabitants of Hobbiton fulfilled their duties quite unhurriedly while the sun was shining warm in their faces and cheered the winter-tired minds up a bit. Everything was so normal and just like every day. In the sense of having something comfortable.

Bilbo noticed that Thorin looked thoughtful as they walked around, but he didn’t say anything. They just enjoyed what they saw.

Then, Thorin finally broke the silence. “This is certainly not what I’ve been used to. But I could get used to it. I always thought the Shire to be boring, full of common people, dealing with ridiculously common things. But I have to revise my opinion. There is … something … about it. That makes it beautiful in a simple way.”

“I wish you could see it in summer, though”, Bilbo said. “The grass and the trees are so green and the flowers so colorful. A light breeze floating over the hills and the birds singing on a mackerel sky. And everything is so … unburdened.”

Thorin smiles. “I’d love to see that”, he said earnestly and then his expression turns sad. “But this will never be possible. Not for me.”

Bilbo felt a new wave of grieve washing over him. “I know”, he said quietly and then fiercely shook his head. “We should stop this! Look at us. Like to old worn-out men who have their best days behind them.”

“We? You! Look at you, you look so aged and disheveled”, Thorin said teasingly. “Not to mention the bags under your eyes”, he added.

“What? Take that back!” Bilbo howled.

“What if I won’t?” Thorin provoked.

Bilbo already knew his answer. He grabbed a handful of snow, formed it into a ball and aimed. The snowball hit its target.

Growling, Thorin shook the snow out of his long hair. “Are you looking for a fight?” he rumbled and soon Bilbo found a snowball in his own face.

“You started it; by the way”, he called as he took another hand of snow and backed up a bit at the same time.

It didn’t take very long and they both were rolling in the snow, trying to defeat each other. After a short while Thorin, as the stronger one, had pinned Bilbo tightly in the snow.

“So, what do you do now?” he asked cheekily.

“I surrender, oh my king”, Bilbo whined playfully and rolled his eyes.

“Good, in that case I will show mercy”, Thorin said condescendingly and released Bilbo’s wrists. He leaned back to lie next to Bilbo. Their clothes were already all damp but Bilbo didn’t feel uncomfortable nor did he feel like standing up. This was the first time in weeks that he felt happy; lying there in the relentlessly cold snow, always in danger to catch a cold and counting the clouds.

 

“You’ll catch a cold”, Thorin said after a while.

“Probably”, Bilbo said but didn’t move.

“A fire is what you need now.”

“I know.” Still Bilbo stayed where he was. Then he sighed and tried to pick himself up. Thorin was already standing and held out a hand to help Bilbo. Thereby he examined him and said: “Having a little fun did you good.”

“Idiot”, Bilbo snorted and pushed him back in the snow with a strong shove.

 

Back in Bagend, Bilbo wasted no time to kindle the fireplace. Soon the fire was burning sizzling and hissing. Bilbo lit a pipe, took a deep inhale and then passed it on to Thorin. They sat like that for a long time, enjoying the warmth of the fire, while the sweet and yet slightly bitter scent of pipe weed was hanging in the air. And they talked for like what seemed hours about childhood memories, their families and then about their personal dreams and hidden wishes.

Thorin studied the maps on the wall and told Bilbo fascinating stories about his journeys; he seemed to know half of Middle Earth. As he talked Bilbo was caught by an increasing wanderlust. He could see it all in front of his inner eye as Thorin told the stories very vividly. Bilbo had had the same feeling during their journey to the Lonely Mountain, but it got lost when all those horrible things happened and back home, it had disappeared completely. Maybe he should dedicate more attention to it.

 

But sunset comes fast in winter. A blood red light spread over the snow blanket and made it shine eerily.

The hours went by as they talked and none of them wasted a look on the clock, but the day was drawing for a close.

The ice around Bilbo’s heart had melted in the relief this day has brought, but now it slowly began to freeze again as he was reminded that their parting hour would soon be near.

He didn’t notice that Thorin had stopped talking and was looking outside. He seemed so absentminded, somewhere far away. Darkness was falling.

“That’s it”, he finally said lowly. “I have to leave.”

The words Bilbo had feared so much. Despite, he didn’t know what to say or do and felt utterly helpless. Now he wished he could at least shed a tear and not just stand there and do nothing. He intensely pondered how to say farewell and yet thought himself to be stupid to do that. This was goodbye and it would just happen. It would hurt as much as it considered being appropriate. Thorin solved this problem in his own way.

He just pulled Bilbo into a long embrace. The hobbit found it hard to realize that Thorin would return to the world of the dead, feeling so warm and alive in his arms. He wondered if he could not simply stay and said that aloud.

Thorin smiled sadly. “I can’t and you know that.”

He gave Bilbo a light kiss on the forehead and let go of him, stepping out into the night. A smothering silence was pressing on Bilbo’s ears as he stood in his doorway and watched Thorin leave. Snowflakes were still falling and glittering in the pale starlight. Then Thorin has disappeared in the darkness and is gone. Forever.

 

THE END


End file.
